The comments from my last post lead right into today's. Thanks guys!A couple weeks before Kate was to start kindergarten, I ran into an old family friend (we’ll call him Mont because that’s his name) and his wife at the store. While visiting, I mentioned that my oldest baby was starting kindergarten. I expressed my angst at sending my sweet little innocent one out into the big bad world. Mont nodded his head knowingly and joked how his oldest daughter was hitting puberty and just you wait, Biffy! We laughed and I asked with as much sincerity as I could muster up in the middle of the Sam’s club aisle, “But how do you do it? What do you do if kids are mean to your kids, or if they learn bad words, or if they come home crying?”
And then Mont, echoed by his wife Mindy, said something I’ll never forget. He said, “They come home and you build them up. You build them up as much as you can because you have to send them back out there the next day.”
In Saturday’s broadcast, Julie B. Beck counseled, “Our homes are to be our children’s refuge from the evil they encounter daily. They are sacred sanctuaries.” I loved this. I want my home to be a sacred sanctuary for not only my kids, but for myself as well. How do I do this? Of course I don’t do it all of the time and I’m sure the neighbors can hear me yelling at my kids from across the cul-de-sac sometimes (“Get your shoes! I have told you 6 times, get in the car NOW!), but I’ll give you some of my ideas from my good mom moments.
Something Heidi and I discuss quite frequently is the trick of looking for the good in your children. This is easier said than done at times. Heidi has a genius “Caught You Being Good” chart. I am not nearly as organized as her, so I just try to do this without a chart. Sometimes it’s as simple as, “Wow, Aaron, you got your shoes the first time I asked! Thank you so much!” I think when you pay attention to the good and verbalize it people (kids included) live up to your expectations. How does this contribute to a sacred sanctuary? I’m building up my kids, the yelling is kept to a minimum, and the spirit can then reside in our home. So, taking my own advice, I'll try to focus this post on a couple of good things I do (and for the moment ignore all places I fall terribly short - the post would be a novel otherwise!) and then hopefully you'll share something you that works in your home.
One thing we do pretty well his hold consistent family home evenings. The lessons are rarely amazing or memorable. There is usually 80% silliness, 10% fighting, and 10% listening. But we do it. We weren’t so good this summer, but when school is in, our kids rarely let us miss. Last night, Aaron helped Emmy do the scripture. He read a word, she repeated, and on and on. It was a pretty long verse, but they persisted. Those are the moments that make the pain and stress of family night worth it. (I think our activity rocked – I was in charge and I wanted to end fast, so we put our feet in a circle and taught each other our generation’s version of “Bubble gum, bubble gum, in a dish, how many pieces do you wish?" They loved it!) I’m sure having FHE will get harder when the kids are older, but hopefully the habit will stick.
Turning off the television is something that definitely helps my home become a sacred sanctuary. Don’t get me wrong, I have often said that I was saved for this dispensation so I could use television with my parenting. But the older my kids have become, the more I have turned off the television. I get so frustrated with the way many shows make it cool and funny to be rude to siblings and disrespect adults. Right now we have a rule of no screens (computer, video games, tv) during the week. I am loving this rule because then on Saturday morning, Kate can watch tv and Aaron can get his wii fix for a couple hours and I don’t feel like it’s melting his brain. (I do let Emmy watch some during the day, but hey, she’s home sometimes with no one to play with and I have to get something done!) In the same media vein, Greg and I are pretty strict when it comes to ratings. PG-13 means PG-13, not PG-6 and we’ll skip over the bad stuff. This is such a personal parenting decision but we decided that in our family it really helps to have a well defined boundary. How can my home be a sanctuary if I let all that ickiness come in through the television?
I love the idea of our homes being a refuge, a sacred sanctuary from the world. It is tricky to accomplish especially because I don’t want to teach my kids to be afraid of the world. I knew a family like that and it was seemed very counterproductive when it came to their kids' ability to get along in the world. So, what do you do to create a refuge in your home? Please comment, I really want to know.
12 comments:
One thing we do that I think helps keep our home sanctuary-like:
Begin the day with family scriptures and prayer. I just love starting a day together this way. We wake the girls up early (but let Cade sleep still). Asher and I read out loud, Arianne reads a verse, and Marissa repeats a verse. Then we kneel together before everyone runs around crazy. I go downstairs to make breakfast and turn uplifting music on in the background. (When I had the 2nd graders over, one girl told us she gets up at 530 every morning for her family scriptures. Wow!)
Thanks for these posts Biffy. It's great to keep the messages from the meeting from Saturday fresh in my mind. It was such a great conference! And your blog is so uplifting & inspiring. I also worry about when I'm going to send my kids to school etc... & I think that was some great advice that your friend gave you. Thanks.
Thanks for reminding all of us to look for the positives... especially the small ways that we are succeeding as parents because I think we're probably all too hard on ourselves.
I think the thing that affects the feeling in our home the most is when I'm taking care of myself (prayers, scriptures, eating right, getting enough sleep & exercising). When I am healthy I am much more able to handle things positively.
As for things I think I'm doing ok in: We're reading scriptures pretty regularly in the morning while we eat breakfast (it was Marie's idea and it's the only thing that's stuck). We're really good at telling our kids we love them and saying "sorry" when we're wrong. And, Matt and I are best friends - I think the kids can sense that.
Great post again!
We, too, have family scriptures and prayer daily (evening for us). I agree about the tv. I don't disallow it during the week. Though, I wish I could. Ethan's gotta have his Wheel of Fortune fix! But what they watch and how long is SERIOUSLY limited. I don't watch it and if I do, it's after hours in my room (news).
I try to have a constant stream of conversation going with my kids and I pepper it with gospel principles as often as I can. I remember in conference once Elder Eyring said to speak doctrine to your children all the time. I think this is so important. They won't gain significant testimonies if they don't know what they believe.
Biffy, this is great getting other peoples ideas and what works well for them.
I agree with Heidi on taking care of yourself. If mommys happy, everyones happy right? I find when I am doing the main things I feel I need to do everything else falls into place (being positive with everyone and doing all those things the prophets encourage).
Some things that works well in our home, is every morning I have famiy prayer with the kids before school. Sometimes we will say it in the car on the way if we have forgotten. My kids have grown to love having it before school. We also have it in the evenings.
I also play church music quite a bit. That helps set a spiritual mood.
FHE- I am not sure which prophet said this. But he said, "if you have FHE each week your kids will not stray.
I love Heidi's idea during breakfast on scriptures!
AMEN! i agree on the P-13 thing. My Mom let my kids watch Spiderman last year... Max was barely 4! I just about died and lectured her on the importance of screening the movies.
we do "ssp", song, scripture, prayer, every night before bed. this is an idea i adapted from a recent ensign article.
first the song: during f.h.e. on monday, we introduce a new song that pertains to the f.h.e. theme for that week. then for the rest of the days in that week, we sing the same song each night. i love that my girls are memorizing primary songs and hymns already. they sing them in the car or while playing with their toys.
then the scripture: we use the church's interactive music website when we sing the song. to the left it links to the scriptures that go with that song. we read the same scripture every night that week. the girls are kind of young to be memorizing and completely understanding scriptures, but it sure helps kris and i memorize!
prayer: our nightly family prayer.
one last thing is that kris and i try to be as unified as we can. we have found that for us, an important way to do this is to go to bed at the same time. obviously it doesn't work out every night with his crazy work schedule, but when we go to bed at the same time, we always read an ensign article together which makes us more apt to have a couple prayer...and then we end up talking about the important things before we finally fall asleep. it works well for us.
Wow. Great ideas, and Jamie is super organized. That's something I'd like to try. We eat breakfast (Rich makes it!) and do scriptures and prayers every morning with the whole family before Rich heads to work. After every family prayer we all put our hands in the middle and say "OUR FAMILY IS FOREVER!!!" It may seem silly, but I hope it is aleast one daily reminder that we really are a forever family and need to act accordingly.
Also, no TV at all has been a huge sucess thus far. The kids never even ask anymore. Though we do allow occasional movies. It hasn't been more than one or two a week. (Rich and I did watch THe Office last week. Couldn't resist!)
And really, thank you for your spiritual boost week...
Moms are awesome! What wonderful things you are all doing with your families. I just want to comment on how powerful a mother's example can be. I grew up in a home where my father was inactive and eventually made many very bad choices that eventually led to my parents' divorce. My mom, over the years, became more and more active. After my parents divorced, my mom was a full-time student and worked. Our family was pretty much in survival mode all of the time. There were no Family Home Evenings, no family prayer and scrips, etc., but my mom was a ROCK. I can't tell you how many times I found her on her knees, asking Heavenly Father for help during those difficult years. I remember her reading the Book of Mormon for the first time. I remember her ironing her temple clothes as she was preparing to go to the temple for the first time and how reverently and respectfully she talked about going there. I watched as she turned to the Savior to change her life. She has been the most profound influence on my life and testimony (I know my siblings would say the same). I hope, even though I'm not often driven to my knees because of challenges in my life, that I am still getting on them often and showing my kids in everthing I do how important the gospel is to me and to our family.
Ryan and I have been talking about the same things in our house! You guys are such good parents. Life is so crazy sometimes, I wish I could just run away with my family!
These are the best comments! I have decided to emulate most of you and begin having scripture study in the morning. Greg leaves for work at 6 am, but I can still read to my kids while they eat breakfast. We try really hard to do scriptures at night, but we're still only hitting it about half the time. Here's a question - do you read the illustrated scriptures or the regular scriptures? Any preference?
I love Jamie's scripture, song, and prayer. I think it's a great idea to work on one song a week. Even if it's a song the kids already know, it would be fantastic if the tune in their head was something uplifting and positive. I also agree with the going to bed at the same time. We go in cycles with that one.
Rochelle, what a great reminder to constantly relate things back to the gospel. I am going to try to do that more often. Heather, a family cheer is a fantastic idea! Mickel, your comment made me cry. Your mom is wonderful.
Thanks for all the comments! They have motivated and uplifted me so much.
Biffy, we decided to go with the real scriptures. We use the nice version for Latter-Day Saint families. The kids who can read (all but one) just repeat what Dad says. They at least get comfortable with the language of the scriptures. They ask an amazing amount of questions.
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